Transcript:Baby Talk
['''Scene': 57 Linden Court, the living room, an exhausted George makes two cupd of coffee.]'' :yawns. :walks out of the bedroom, equally exhausted. George: I don't care what they say, babies are more knackering than volcanoes. Janet a cup of Coffee What have we created Janet? Janet: I know, how can something so small cause such havoc. George: she's referring to his manhood There's no need to be personal. Janet: I meant the baby. George: D'you think he's settled yet, my eyes won't even focus. :both listen to the baby monitor. Janet: Sounds like it. Ollie: through the top of the bedroom door and flies around George and Janet. Zneet Znadders Zneet mummy and daddy. back through the hole George: No he hasn't settled yet. :credits :on, George is relaxed and is holding Ollie while sitting on the sofa. George: Okay now, try again. :sniffs George: Alright, one more go. :sniffs again, causing the curtains to blow wildly, knocking off objects. Janet: out of the bedroom George what are you doing? George: Teaching him to sniff out tidal waves. Janet: Oh that'll teach him to fit in at playgroup. George: Hey, he's already pretty good at sniffing out forest fires, go on son, find me a fire. :uses his breath to light a plant in the middle of the dinner table on fire. Janet: George! George: uses his breath to extinguish the flame and then chuckles. He-he did you see what he just did, chuckles, you little rascal. Janet: Yes, George there's something we need to discuss. George: I'm listening. Ollie: So am i. Janet: D'you think he hears everything we do? Ollie: You better believe it. :sniffs George: Tidal wave? Ollie: Nappy change. :gives Ollie to Janet Janet: Come on little precious one, then you can have a little sleep hey, George and mummy and daddy can have a little chat. to get a nappy It's quite strange his poo George. George: Is it? Janet: Well, it smells of strawberries and cream. George: Great isn't it, don't you like it? Janet: No-no it's lovely it's just you're not meant to look foward to your baby pooing. Ollie: a nappy into the nappy bin on the other side of the room. Bullseye! Janet: Well done darling. Ollie: Tired now. George: Ah. Janet: Ah. George, he's perfect don't get me wrong, but i was sort of hoping he'd be a bit more like me. George: Well, he can have the operation when he's older but surely that's for him to decide. Janet: No i meant normal. George: Janet, any boy who looks like you would not be normal. Janet: No, i meant Human normal, i've got a baby that can talk and fly and set fire to things. George: And do the hoovering. Janet: Oh that is a bonus granted. George: Oh i see what's troubling you, he's a bit advanced. Janet: A bit? George, Northolt mums think burping is a sign of genius. George: So do Northolt men, i've seen them when the pubs close. George: Don't worry Janet, i'll instruct him in basic dumbing down, he'll understand, he wasn't born yesterday. Janet: Yes he was. George: Yes he was, that's the problem. Janet: to the dinner table And he's gonna have to learn fast before my parents see him, and they're gonna want to see him before the christening. a cup of coffee George: What's the christening? Janet: It's when he's accepted into the Church, you've heard of Jesus Christ? George: That's usually what people say when they see Thermoman. Janet: Well, he's a really good man who healed the sick and walked on water. George: The baby walked on water last night in the bath, Jesus was an Ultronian. :doorbell rings, George uses his X-Ray vision to check who it is. Janet: No, no need i know my mother's ring. George they cannot see him until he's got A-Level Normal Ollie's pram into the bedroom get rid of them. George: quietly Okay. :opens the door to see Ella and Stanley, who is holding a lifesize Kangaroo with a Joey in it's pouch. Ella: tone Here's grandma! her coat on the armchair Where's my little boy? Why have you been keeping my grandson from me? George: Babies do shock easily Ella. the Kangaroo model Stanley is holding Oh, nice Kangaroo Stanley. Stanley: I saw it in the shops and i just had to have it. George: Lovely, and have you brought the baby anything? Stanley: It's for the baby. the Kangaroo down Ella: And we want to give it to him... the hole in the door ...why have you got a hole in your door? George: I'm making a babyflap. over to the kitchen Ella: her head, referring to George Barking. Stanley: Hmm. :walks out of the bedroom. Ella: Ah Janet there you are, we've come to see our little grandson. Janet: Oh i am sorry you can't. Ella: Can't, why not? George: He's out. Ella and Stanley: Out!? George: Yeah, won't be back for hours. Janet: What George means is he's out like a light, i've just got him off to sleep. Ollie: through the baby monitor Fly me to the Moon. Janet: to the montior and turns it off With the help of that record, if he wakes now he'll be up for ages. George: We'd never stop him flying... Janet: George Crying. :nods Ella: Well couldn't we just peek? Janet: No! No, he's the lightest sleeper mum, yawns we're both exhausted aren't we George. George: yawns Oh, we certainly are. I'm so tired i'd need a couple of matchsticks to keep my thighs open. :and Stanley appear shocked at George. Janet: It's eyes George. George: Oh right, that makes much more sense. Ella: Yes well, we'll leave you to get some sleep then. Janet: Thanks mum. Ella: Just as soon as we've seen some baby photos, to the armchair with Stanley after all we haven't seen you since the birth have we Stanley? Stanley: No, and we've missed you my precious. sniffs Oo something smells nice, again is it strawberries and cream? George: a nervous look since the smell is actually Ollie's poo Em... Stanley: I wouldn't say no to a bowl of that. George: I think you might. Ella: Stanley the photos Look Stanley there he is sleeping. both go Ahhh Ahhh there he is crying. both ahhh again There he is, eating a slice of Pizza? Janet: No, the photo that's a joke he's not really eating it. :flies into the living room but Ella and Stanley haven't noticed. Janet: Oh God. Ella: What? Ollie: Nappy change. :gives Ollie to Janet Janet: Come on little precious one, then you can have a little sleep hey, George and mummy and daddy can have a little chat. to get a nappy It's quite strange his poo George. George: Is it? Janet: Nothing, nothing at all, oh look i've got some more photos over here. Oh that's a nice one. :takes them to the sofa trying to cover their backs while George tries to catch Ollie. Ella: So he is, you know, normal? Janet: Oh absolutely normal yes he's as normal as normal can be. Ella: Any little signs he's advanced for his age? :rises up behind the sofa reading a book watching Ella and Stanley Janet: No not really no. Stanley: Precious out there, we've all got our own little quirks. George: Oh you have no idea dad, and rests on Stanley who pats her head oh i'm sorry. Stanley: We better be going Ella. :and Stanley get up to find George with a moving hump (Ollie) underneath his shirt. Ella: What are you doing? George: Nothing, d-don't mind me, just muscle spasms. :walks off to the bedroom. Ella: Reassure me George, is the baby anything like you? George: Oh don't worry Ella, he's the spitting image. :sighs in dissapointment. Stanley: his arm around Ella He's got Dawkins' blood, lets not abandon hope just yet. Janet: Well thanks for coming. Category:Transcripts